How to Find Love
Love is not a commodity we buy at the grocery store. I have not seen it on the shelves yet. The technology industry keeps inventing gimmicks to lure lonely hearts, targeting their identity and their cash with the promise of connection at the price of a swipe, almost like a casino trade.
The real question is whether we can expect to find love through a mindset rooted in lack. When the message becomes “Please love me because I need you to fix how I feel about myself,” any connection that forms will only soothe loneliness for a short time. A couple of years later both people often realise they are on different pages or have run out of patience.
We must return to basics. We shape the world we live in through the filters we place over the present moment. For example, someone who feels entitled will demand this and that without noticing their own confirmation bias, all from a place of lack. This is why the approach fails. An empty watering can cannot sustain growth in any living organism. Without water, cells cannot function, chemical reactions stop, and life collapses. The same applies to love. A relationship cannot thrive if both people do not have substance within themselves to offer. If your cup is empty or filled with indifference, the love will eventually turn toxic or shrivel.
Fill your own soul with unconditional love. When you do, love finds you, and opportunities appear without strain. The best parts of life are rooted in sharing and caring. When a person cannot love themselves, they become abandoned to their own essence and try to fill the void with substitutes that create a cycle of craving, repair, and repetition.
I know this personally. Within a year of my wife passing, I tried to replace her in an attempt to repair my broken heart. I believed that doing so would restore my family to normality. It failed, and I am grateful now that it did. I lacked awareness and had no understanding of how love truly works.
So what is love? It is a universal energy that pulses through all matter. This is the chemistry that allows life to thrive; without it everything would collapse. All chemistry, including the chemistry between people, relies on regulation so that new bonds can form. A relationship only grows when the reactions between two people are positive, supportive, and nurturing.
The alchemy of love begins with understanding our own needs. This is not selfish. It is an honest recognition of who we are.
Carl Jung said, “The unconscious can make a fool of you in no time.”
Visions: Notes of the Seminar Given in 1930–1934, Vol. II (15 June 1932), p. 747.
We all have different needs that reflect our early experiences of nurture and environment. For example, if a child’s parents were not available, a deficit forms that distorts the way they perceive love. Their expectations may never be met because they have never learned what love truly feels like.
The good news is that this can change. We challenge the “fool” within by questioning our intentions, taking time to reflect, and recognising that all lasting change begins with self-love. Through this process we start to see how patterns of parenting and relational attachment pass through generations and shape society.
The many inner roles within us still exist in the psyche. The inner child, the husband, the son, the granddaughter all act differently. Richard C. Schwartz explains this clearly in his Internal Family Systems model:
[https://youtu.be/DdZZ7sTX840?si=3TIR3MPC0cYrRCaG](https://youtu.be/DdZZ7sTX840?si=3TIR3MPC0cYrRCaG)
He points out that all these parts are good, yet they shift into destructive roles when shaped by trauma.
These parts need nurture and acceptance to integrate into a healthy whole. If we neglect our inner child, it shows up as projection in our adult relationships. This is the root behind expressions like “grow up,” “stop sulking like a child,” or “why did you throw your toys out of the pram.”
Self-love nourishes your entire identity and supports you to stand as an authentic adult who naturally attracts love through the way you behave. The idea in religious dogma and popular media that a woman should be one thing and a man another reduces human complexity to child’s play in a theatre of madness. Loving yourself is unconditional because the way you treat yourself mirrors the love you hold within.
In simple terms, compassion is the medicine we apply when love is missing. Filling the well of love is a continual process of tuning in to the different parts of ourselves and recognising the roles we play. Our emotions are not enemies. They are signals from the parts that have not been heard. Giving them attention and care is how we become the loving parent we always needed.
Get started on to the road of love with free initial video call and see where we can implement routines and ideas of self love.
